Arms out for balance...

I am not an easy person to live with. If there were report cards given for the ability to cohabitate, mine would read "does not share well with others" and "must work on compromise and control issues". I would get failing grades for taking too much time in the bathroom, eating ice cream out of the container, and not sharing the remote. I need my space and my time, and I need things to be put where and how I want them. Some days are better than others, when I really make the effort to rein in my selfish habits, but other days I just don't have the energy to try. I am moody and demanding, a lot of take and not so much give.

My husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary last week. This sounds like a small thing, not a huge milestone. And I hope that years from now, looking back, I laugh at how I thought four years was worth mentioning after reaching more significant numbers. To me, though, four years seems pretty darn remarkable right now. Given what I just told you about me in the above paragraph, mixed with the fact that I despised my husband when we first got to know each other, plus the daily trials of raising a toddler...well, four years may as well be twenty.

Marriage is hard work. I used to hear this from couples on talk shows and I would think what's so hard? You love each other, you make each other happy. Easy peasy. (This from a girl with divorced parents, no less.) Well, marriage is hard work. So is parenting, and earning a paycheck, and maintaining friendships, and keeping a house. Unfortunately the marriage gets shoved to the end of the line too easily; it's easy to assume a spouse will just be there when you get a minute, because they promised to be around forever. I am sometimes reminded of this a little too late, when neglect has gone on a little too long, and I have to make amends.

My husband is more than I could have asked for. He is patient and giving, helpful and strong. He is a master of compromise. He is quietly loud. He is centered and calm. He is my daughter's father, my teammate, my best friend. I do not take him for granted. I work hard to keep him at the top of the list, with failures and success. Sometimes my efforts are obvious; sometimes too subtle to be worthy.

Maybe there are many keys to long, happy marriages; maybe it's as simple as love and happiness. Who knows. Right now it's all about balance. Putting as much "give" on the one side of the scale as there is "take" on the other. I'm learning, just like my daughter in her gymnastics class. She's been very focused on mastering the balance beam. "Arms out for balance", she says, her latest mantra. I'm borrowing it and very much looking forward to year five...

Give me a minute...

I want a do-over. The days when I was scanning websites for the items to put on our baby registry-yeah, I want those back. I spent too much time looking for gear with the highest ratings and gadgets that no one said would be completely useless. I would sweep the whole list clean and simply ask for more minutes. Not the Verizon-more-minutes...I mean more minutes.

They say time is a gift. I don't know who "they" are but I agree. Time is indeed a gift. I won't go into more cliches about making every second count and seizing the day, yadda yadda. Those phrases make me crazy; of course we should live it to the fullest. But when you're like me (and most folks, I imagine) and you're plugging away putting in forty hours a week somewhere you'd never be if it weren't for that paycheck...well, those sayings instill a lot of feelings of guilt and failure. Failure to honor the gift of time.

So I'm turning the tables on that and saying the lack of time is also a gift. When you only have so much time to actually start seizing anything, let alone a whole day, you are forced to prioritize. To figure out what's truly important at that moment. Children, spouses, chores, friends, errands, health...big stuff or little, what comes first? What comes last? Does the laundry need to get done or do we go splash in the creek for the afternoon? Do we get up at 6 am to walk off those extra ten pounds or do we sleep that extra hour to have energy for the day? Do we blog because we haven't done so in a month or do we read that library book that's overdue but not finished yet?

No one can answer those questions but me. I am doing what I can to keep everyone and everything in my sights and on my radar but there will always be something that falls behind. It's regrettable but necessary and coming to terms with that is my challenge. So forgive me for not being here contributing to my project lately. I will move it up a few notches on my priority list and be more consistent with the scribbles here. Just give me a minute...or five...