After a nightmarish holiday season in retail, I've been blessed to have a lighter workload the last few weeks. No holidays means less running around, shopping, cleaning, and complaining about how I have too much to do, and more time spent just hanging out with my daughter. Days off have been occupied with Legos, costumes, tea parties, and tending to "sick" stuffed animals. (Oh, and potty training. Endless potty training.) Envy and regret have reared their ugly heads--envy of the stay-at-home moms out there and regret that I didn't make sure I was in a position to be a stay-at-home mom if that's what I wanted to be.
My little one turned three less than two months ago. Three is a magic number, indeed. The girl I knew disappeared. I was not prepared for the transformation. Before the smoke cleared away from her little birthday candles, she had gone from helpless to independent, from sweet to sassy. She is ready for her debut, to show the world all she has learned in her short time here and to take her bows for all of her hard work. But the changes in her aren't the only thing knocking me off of my parenting pedestal; it's the adjustments I am having to make to accommodate her growth spurt.
Up until now, raising my daughter has been mostly maintenance, keeping her fed, warm, dry, and out of trouble. Steering her clear of things she didn't know to avoid, like too much sugar and hot radiators and bad television (sorry, Barney and Dora.). A little light education, like vocabulary and the arts and basic etiquette. If I wasn't sure about something, I could reference one of the hundreds of toddler advice books to move me along. But now each day's lessons are becoming more abstract. How to teach a little girl how to be confident but humble? Polite and considerate yet assertive? Brave but cautious? There's no such parenting manual.
I want my girl to be blissfully satisfied in life always. Most of all, I suppose, I want her to be secure in who she is. Comfortable in her own skin, no matter what that means for her. I want her to always be aware of her role in her life and the lives of others, and to understand her motives and directions. Kindness and confidence will come from this, and she will shine no matter where she goes. I am faced with climbing a steep hill to get her there, and I don't know if I am the best one for her to be tethered to, since I am still trying to get myself there. How do you teach things you haven't yet learned yourself?
Perhaps I'm overthinking. I will try to just go with my gut and get her to the top as best I can, and enjoy today hoping I haven't screwed her up too much for tomorrow. For now, three is a magic number. She is a self-proclaimed rock star one day, a superhero the next. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about getting her ready for the world. I should hope the world is ready for her.
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